Why I am choosing Self-Compassion over Productivity

Do you find right now (April 2020) that you start every email with “I hope you are doing well”? Or that end every conversation with “Be safe”? I think a lot of us are. These are very different times. As a whole we do not know what to expect from a worldwide pandemic. Nor do we know what the hell we are supposed to be doing. Right now, where I live, we are practicing physical distancing- well we are supposed to be but judging by recent posts on social media I am not sure everyone has gotten the memo. Many people have been laid off work, kids are doing online schooling, some of us are trying to work while at home ( a VERY different thing from working from home) and some are working on location in the face of all of this. Things are scary. My ears perk up every time one of my kids cough. I wonder if we are doing enough every time my partner comes home and dashes straight to the shower after work. I look at my kids each day and wonder how much I will “f” them up today because I am not coping well. And on top of this we are trying to do all the “normal” things like eat, rest and remain productive.

Productive…what a word. What does that even mean?!? That I need to do all the things? That I need to do all the projects at home, well because I am here all the time? Or that I need to write more? Or work more? Or bake sour dough bread after making my own starter? (not going to lie, I am not sure what any of that last sentence means but Instagram has told me I should be doing this). Or that I should be enjoying my time as a grade 3 and 6 French teacher? All while continuing my role as professor, blogger, podcaster and whatever all else I am.? No. I decided yesterday, while I was outside looking at the beautiful sky, moving my body in the way it needed to move while I was actually alone for a period of time, that I am done with productive. I will do what I can but now is the time for Self Compassion.

I love the work of Kristin Neff, PhD (self-compassion.org) and use it with clients when talking about food and eating frequently. I LOVE it! However I find I am highly lacking in this area myself lately. So I am writing this because I suspect I am not the only one. Whether you struggle with your body image, making peace with food, your anxiety, your relationships, I am sure the current state of pandemic has heightened that for you. I have heard clients say that they are struggling with the restrictive feelings they find arise when they are worried about accessing food. Or how they have food but struggle with the decision to eat it or not due whether they will have access again. We have lost a lot of the things that have brought us joy, and we lost those things very quickly. I honestly didn’t realize how much i valued my alone time during my work commute until it was gone. So many changes so quickly. So much uncertainty. So much pressure.

The 3 elements of Self-Compassion, from the work of Dr Neff, are Self-Kindness, Mindfulness and Common Humanity. When I sit back and analyze myself (which I am prone to do) I do see how I have not been practicing these components and I wonder if you are the same.

Self-Kindness, if only it were as easy as when we give kindness to others. We are often taught (well I was anyways) to be kind to others. Share my toys, give others the benefit of the doubt, acknowledge that others have struggles. Yet we are not necessarily taught to be kind to ourselves. I have not told myself yet that “it is ok that you haven’t baked bread because you are working all day and helping the kids online”. Instead my inner dialogue is more like “ugh, I really should be doing more for the kids so they have great memories of this time”. Our critical voice can be centred on ourselves and this is exhausting and demoralizing. How can we be more kind to ourselves? Share? Well maybe yes. But it might just need to start with “well I didn’t bake bread today and that is ok, its ok that our memory from this time isn’t baking, it might be video games and that is cool”. I really do not think of it as lower expectations, which is what I have heard people say before. I think of it more as being real with myself. Just because we are at home does not mean that we have gained any more hours in the day and we didn’t change as humans. I will bake things like cake (which we have made) and buttercream icing (we like that on everything) and maybe muffins … maybe once a year. Why would I expect that to be different right now? It’s not and that is ok. If I spent 9 straight hours in front of my computer (this has happened) and managed to feed everyone during the day that should be a win, not what it turned into as a time for self flagellation. Kindness for myself will take work but I know it’s there.

Mindfulness is another component of Self-Compassion. Being present in the moment. I am not sure about you but there have been many moments over the last 6 weeks that being present hurt. The desire to run away was strong and mixed with the feeling that I had nowhere to go made it harder. Yet sitting in that is important. Things are allowed to suck (lots of time with an 8 year old and “suck” has become a descriptor choice for this time). Things are not always going to be “Good Vibes Only”. That is not real. THIS. IS. HARD. For everyone. We all have different reasons for it being hard. I read on twitter (and sorry but can not remember who said the quote but) “We are not all in the same boat but we are all in the same storm”. I liked that. I have felt guilt for finding this hard because I have felt that many others are “worse” off. But being mindful allows me to realize that this is hard and it sucks, and somedays are better than others. Even some moments are better than others. So today I will say “ I have never experienced this before. I will be present in all the moments no matter how they feel”

Common Humanity is the 3rd piece of Self-Compassion. Common Humanity allows us to realize that everyone experiences hardship in life. We all make mistakes, we are all works in progress. Collectively we as a world are going through COVID-19. Different parts of the world are dealing with it differently but we are all part of this. I am not sure anyone in the world is feeling “wow, I got this!” I have realized that I am likely not the only person that is feeling the way I am so why should I be hard on myself? Collectively we are all suffering, in one way or another. Instead of distancing in this our suffering could be connection. Kindness and supportive could come out of it.

Again if these ideas seem to be comforting to you right now consider looking up Dr Neff’s work. Self-Compassion is not an easy road, it is like many other that are bumpy yet insightful. Let’s work to push productivity aside and embrace Self-Compassion. Maybe that is what we can have when this time passes. Maybe we can collectively take a breath and be gentle with ourselves

Until next time be Unapologetically you, while I be Unapologetically Me